Two Broads on a Blog

Why is it that every January 1 people are compelled to reevaluate their lives and make a list of changes?   Why January first?  Why not on March 21^st, the first day of spring when the Earth is coming out of its wintery cocoon ready for renewal?  Why not begin anew on December 21^st, the Winter Solstice, when the Earth is hibernating and ready for thought and contemplation?  Could it be that we choose January first because, after a gluttonous six weeks (counting Thanksgiving) of carbohydrate overload, we are left dazed, fat, and weak, and, in this weakened state we decide we are in need of change…great, significant change?

Like everyone else, I too spend the last week of the year shoving as many stale Christmas cookies and chocolate Santas into my mouth while contemplating all that is wrong with my life and making a list of much-needed changes.  I begin by writing little notes to myself on brightly-colored post-it notes and stick them up around the kitchen…a glaring reminder of all the changes that must be made.  Then, when the notes hit the double digits, I formulate them into one master list on my laptop, complete with boxes for check marks when the resolution is completed.

I am actually a bit behind schedule New Year’s resolution-wise, so this 2010 I am actually beginning the Resolutions list for 2006.  At the top of that Resolution list, “stop procrastinating.”  I think I may need to leave that unchecked for the time being.  Second on the list, “lose five pounds.”  That is also on the list for 2007, 2008, and 2009 – leaving a grand total of 20 pounds.  However, this seems a daunting task, so I’ll just concentrate on the five pounds for 2006.  (For 2010, I only want to lose four pounds; I see that as an improvement.)

Why is it that I have such a hard time sticking to these resolutions?  Granted some of them are large tasks that require a lot of work and change, such as “finish my degree.”   So it is understandable as to how maybe that gets pushed aside, and then later abandoned.  What about the little resolutions, though?  Why are these seemingly easy and minor changes, such as “never leave the house without lipstick,” so quickly given up?

Here is my list for 2005, which I implemented in 2009, and how long each change lasted:

1. Give up soda-pop – 18 days
2. Lose five pounds – Enough said
3. Put the dog on a diet – 6 days (she really hated it)
4. Watch every movie nominated for an Academy Award so that I could make an informed decision in the pool.  This was hard, because it was 2009 and finding all of 2005 nominated movies on DVD wasn’t easy.
5. Quit gambling – Until the Academy Award pool.  It’s up to like a hundred bucks.
6. Join a gym and go once a day – 2 days
7. Have a kind word for my children each morning – 3 day

This list goes on and on, but there isn’t a single thing on it that I have actually stuck to.

So why do we do it?  Why do we feel this compulsion to set ourselves up for resolution failure?  Why can’t I sit at the kitchen table, the leg of a gingerbread man hanging from my lips, pen poised over my neon pink post-it note and say, “Hey I am pretty ok.  My life is pretty ok.  This year I resolve not to resolve!”  And so there it is folks.  My official resolution for 2010 is not to have a resolution list.  To just be happy with my life just the way it is.  Of course, I won’t get to it until 2014, but it is a start.

When I was a kid, Time crept by. I saw myself as a blur, flashing through a static landscape, like the Road Runner zipping past rocks that never moved.  Summer games of kick-the-can lasted forever as the sun rose high in the sky and then slowly dipped down behind my Grandmother’s house. From the second my last Cocoa Puff was finished, I ran and ran until, eons later, it was time for dinner. I was a hummingbird, and my Gran’s kitchen was the ever-present flower I’d land on briefly for sustenance.

As I got older, the world around me started to speed up, slowly at first.  The school term, from September to June, felt like a chasm the size of the Grand Canyon, cool, dark and impossible to navigate. Yet, the pressure of deadlines started to push time along faster then it naturally wanted to go.  Each test felt like a knot in the rope, beckoning me to grab ahold and pull myself across, even when I just wanted to sit and enjoy the view.

When I got my first job after college, Time was suddenly regulated for me.  For two years I chafed against the proscribed adult schedule…up at 7:30am, out by 8:30, lunch at noon, home by 7.  Day after day, my god. My 20-year-old self screamed, “this can’t be the way the rest of my life will go.” I quit the office job.  “I’m too young for this,” I yelled, “I’ve got my whole life to sit at a desk.” Time stretched lazily ahead of me as I bartended nights and slept days.

By 25, I started to hear a faint ticking. I knew it was time to begin becoming what I was going to be.  I moved to California and got a real job.  The daily schedule didn’t rankle so much any more…I was doing something meaningful at a company I loved.  Every day, I put the top down, and smiled as I drove through ribbons of streets festooned with palm trees. Time rode companionably in the seat next to me, the wind blowing in our hair.

Throughout my thirties, Time felt normal.  I was moving up, moving out, starting a business, buying a house…I was right on track.  I still felt like I had time to do whatever I dreamt of doing.  I felt confidant in my newly-honed abilities and excited about all that was still to come.  Time and I were in lock-step, marching down the road, arm-in-arm.

Then, as I entered my forties, things started to change. I became Lucy, standing at the conveyor belt, grabbing at the chocolates as they began to speed by, faster and faster.  I couldn’t make it stop.  I was suddenly the static one, and everything around me was moving at an ever-increasing rate of speed.  I no longer had control of time…it had taken over.

Mid-way through my forties, I realize the time to accomplish my goals is growing shorter and I no longer have the leisure to sit and dream.  If I want to do…be…attain…now is the time.  As we hurtle headlong into 2010, I have decided to make only one resolution and stick to it all year long, with all the energy I can muster at my advanced age.  My resolution for 2010 is to “Carpe Diem.”

I plan to throw a big old net over Time’s head and wrestle it to the ground.  It will not escape me any more.  I will wake each day and accomplish everything I have always dreamed of.  I will finish my book, I will travel and I will find love.  I will cherish my mother…kiss my dog…and treat my body better.  And I will enjoy life, not just dream about what’s to come.  That, my friends, is my New Year’s resolution for 2010.  Check with me in about 12 months and see how I did…that Time is one crafty bastard…