Who’s To Blame? – by Kim
For five years, a mystery has been manifesting itself in my backyard. It’s a mystery so baffling that it’s caused me many a sleepless night, tossing and turning, trying to figure out the answer. I mentioned it to no one, thinking it was just my yard…that nobody else could possibly be experiencing something so strange. But recently, my good friend *Mina innocently posted a Facebook status that led me to believe I was not alone in my befuddlement…that others were as perplexed as I by the very same question.
What is the big question that has been plaguing me for all this time, you ask? It’s this:
How come there are so many peanut shells in my backyard all the time?
By way of background, I have always lived in apartments. I never had a backyard until I bought a house in *Malley Millage so I had no real backyard experience. I moved into the house in October, 2005, shortly before the weather turned cold. I didn’t venture outside until spring. Delighted to finally be able to sit in the sun, I went out and walked around my yard. One of the first things I noticed was a lone peanut shell lying in the grass. “That’s funny,” I thought, “someone must have been eating peanuts and a bird picked up the shell. Hmph.” I kicked it aside and didn’t give it another thought.
Months later, while, doing some gardening, I found a small stash of peanut shells, tucked away behind a bush. They were neatly organized in a little pile. “Hmmm, maybe the previous owners’ kid liked hiding peanuts, maybe that’s where they come from.” I swept them away, along with all the other yard debris.
Over time, more shells appeared…usually in places that had been raked clean many times over. “It’s gotta be that old lady who lives in the house behind me,” I reasoned, “she must be feeding peanuts to the birds. Only how do they get them out of the shells I wonder? Curious.”
I never mentioned the peanut question to Mina, but then on February 23 came her fortuitous post. “So far I have not suffered any losses in the garden, however, squirrels keep digging up my potted plants in order to hide peanuts. I am not sure where they are getting peanuts, but if I catch one of them I am going to go all Yosemite Sam on them. ACME rockets and all.”
Squirrels! It’s squirrels that keep bringing the roasted peanut shells into my garden! But where on earth are they getting them? Gina lives miles from me…my neighbor can’t be her culprit too. Are there peanut plants here in Los Angeles? Do peanuts actually look the same as when we buy them when they’re on the plant? Oh, they grow underground, says Wikipedia, no wonder people say they’re dirty.
Okay, so maybe there’s some peanut pusher on a corner going, “Psst, hey you, squirrel, got some hot nuts for ya here,” maybe that’s it. Shortly thereafter, I discovered there indeed was. There are a lot of them. Peanut pushers, all over L.A. And I caught one, red-handed!
The pusher turned out to be no other than Oscar Nunez, the handsome gentleman who plays Oscar on the TV series, “The Office.” I was standing online at the neighborhood PetCo, behind a guy wearing a Dunder Mifflin t-shirt. “That’s a funny shirt,” I thought, till Oscar turned his head and I realized it was him. “He has the same name as his character and he actually wears a t-shirt with the fictional name of his TV company on it? That’s taking things a little far, isn’t it?”
I watched as he unloaded an armful of pet stuff, and there on the top of the pile was a bag full of peanuts in their shells.
“Excuse me,” I inquired loudly from the line,” do you feed those to squirrels?”
He turned and looked at me, then pointed to a squirrel feeder. Oh my god, there are squirrel feeders that people deliberately fill with peanuts. People really want squirrels convening in their yards, gathering round the squirrel equivalent of a water cooler.
“Oh, so that’s how the shells are getting in my yard,” I stupidly blurted out.
He looked at me, cocking his head slightly to the side. “Uh, where do you live?”
“Malley Millage,” I replied, “but that’s not what I meant. I’ve been trying to figure out how these shells have been getting in my yard and now I know.”
“I don’t think it was my feeder,” he said, still confused.
“No, no, not YOUR feeder…people BUY squirrel feeders, I had no idea!”
“Yes, yes they do,” he muttered, hurrying through his purchase. He waved at me half-heartedly as he scurried to get out of the store.
And there it was…the answer to the question that had been puzzling both Mina and myself. Where do all the peanut shells come from? From well-meaning squirrel freaks all over the city who’ve been inviting the furry rodents into their pristine yards, feeding them fabulous treats that they, in turn, take into other, less pristine yards, consume and then toss the shells.
All this time, I thought California squirrels were so fat and glossy because of a steady diet of avocados and citrus fruits, but NO, these squirrels are being enabled by famous people. Brangelina must have quite the squirrel colony going in addition to all those kids. Well you know what, Oscar and Brangelina…Mina and I are tired of cleaning up after your squirrels so stop, okay? Or at least feed them the de-shelled kind…squirrels like the salted cocktail nuts, I hear.
* some names and locations have been cleverly disguised, just because…
